This is the first I have been back to Ken's site in a long time. I re-read your response and just wanted to see how things were going with you and your son. I am sure you have had the ups and downs as we have. I truly hope things are easier for your... especially with being in the midst of the most stressful time of year. My son and I have been spending a LOT of "mom time" together. I think I have been able to get through better than any of the counselors we have seen. He, my son, tells me it's hard to open up to a stranger and I told him I felt he may have told them what he thought they wanted to hear since they all seem to think he is "doing well" & he agreed.
He goes with me to The Compassionate Friends meetings each month. He told me it's a safe place to express his feelings because everyone there knows how he feels and won't judge him if he cries or gets angry, etc. I thought it kind of profound for a boy that young to understand that concept. I knew it helped me, but hadn't put my finger on exactly why. He has also become involved in our church. I had made a comment that TCF and our church family were the two things that have kept me sane and gotten me through most of the rough patches. He says he agrees and has found the same. Although he tells me our talks have helped so much, as well. That made me feel good, yet got me thinking of my other boys.
So, I have been trying to have more one-on-one with each of them. The older of the 3 that are still at home told me he cries when he is alone in his room or when in the shower. It broke my heart. It took a lot for him to share that with me. The thing is that he is the one that has been my strength. Such pressure I have inadvertently put on him.
Anyway, I wonder if you can kind of set aside time to give your boys individual time. It may be the best thing for a bonding relationship. It's worth a shot.
I think I shocked a friend the other day when I told her my boys let me read the notes girls write to them and tell me of conversations at school. But we do talk about everything. It is so neat to be their confidant... yet difficult not to give my opinion. I do offer it when asked though... believe me. ha ha
Please let me know how things work out.
: First I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. There are no words in our human language to express that enough and to the degree it is felt.
: About me/my family.
: No unusual losses or tragedy. Just the basic life-challenging types (so far and hopefully it'll stay that way).
: 2 Kids, good marriage, pretty normal life. I watch my kids backs and they are my priority. I work steady....Basic, simple life.
: About my 13 year old. Was so calm. Was so nice. Was predictable. Great relationship with him. Then he gets into Middle school.
: He talks to his brother with a rage in his eyes and his voice sounds evil at times.
: He doesn't sleep that well. He acts like he hates us all (a lot of the time).
: I worry about depression with my children since I have it and have taken medication for it for 10 years. (can't function when I've tried to go off it). I'm constantly on the lookout for signs. Like you - I want them to not have problems like that in their adult-life....
: So I start talking to parents of 13 year olds. Same background as me - but no depression in the family medical history.
: Their sons have the same rage in their eyes. You know - the kind that makes a parent shudder.
: That rage and that evil tone of voice is disturbing to say the least.
: We have a similar problem in that you want to make sure that it's no unresolved grief and I want to make sure there is no underlying medical condition - so I feel you pain with parenting issues.
: The hardest part of parenting is distinguishing with a teenager if there is a real problem that needs to be addressed or it's just some sort of a growing pain.
: Keep in mind Barb, your boys will be OK because their mother is watching their backs and that means an awful lot! I feel for you with this situation and what you've all been though.
: Good Luck and take care,